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  Catrin and Lowri hugged each other, both terrified by what had happened. Nano had always seemed indestructible; Hendre Ddu without her at the helm was unimaginable. They sat at her side, stroking her stricken face, talking to her and listening to her heavy breathing.

  ‘Tell us the truth,’ Josi begged his son-in-law when they were back downstairs. ‘Is there any hope of a recovery? Any hope at all?’

  ‘She’s strong and healthy and her heart is sound so she’ll get a little better quite soon. She’ll soon be sitting up and trying to talk, but a complete recovery is unlikely I’m afraid. She’s suffered a major stroke. Let’s hope that Tom’s arrival helps her recover. She dotes on him, I believe.’

  ‘She dotes on him, of course she does, and on Catrin too. And she’s eagerly looking forward to the baby’s arrival, I know that. She’s got a lot to live for.’

  Catrin and Lowri made up the bed in the guest room for Catrin and her husband. ‘You should have our bed, by rights,’ Lowri told Catrin when they’d finished.

  ‘What rights are those then?’ Catrin asked. ‘My father is the head of the house, at least until Tom arrives home and you are his legal wife so doesn’t that give you a right to the best bedroom? Stop putting yourself down. When you came to be a maid here, my mother told Tom and me that you were our cousin and that we were to treat you as family and I’m sure we always did. Now why can’t you accept that, since we always have. You’re now my step-mother and I’ll respect your judgement and try to agree with everything you suggest.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ was Lowri’s only response. ‘And don’t let Nano hear you saying things like that. She doesn’t hold with all this equality. Oh, Catrin, what will we do if she dies?’

  ‘She’s going to get better. Perhaps she’ll never be really well again but she’s going to make a partial recovery, Graham seems quite confident of that. She’ll always be in charge, will always be able to tell us what to do. We have to believe that.’

  ‘Where is Nano?’ Mari Elen asked as she came in from the yard for tea.

  ‘She’s not well so she’s having an afternoon in bed,’ Josi told her.

  ‘Take her some hot milk and two Marie biscuits,’ was Mari Elen’s suggestion. ‘That will put colour in her cheeks. I don’t much like her but I don’t like her being ill. When I’m ill Lowri puts her cold hand on my forehead and it makes me feel much better.’

  ‘We’ll have to hire a full-time nurse,’ Dr Andrews said. ‘I believe that Nurse Griffin, Nyth Brain, is a large, capable woman.’

  ‘Oh no,’ Lowri moaned. ‘Miss Rees hates Mrs Griffin, Nyth Brain. She frightened poor Mrs Ifans terribly one day, mentioning that word ‘cancer’ to her when no one else had dared mention it. Miss Rees almost attacked her on the spot and she’s never spoken to her since. She won’t even go to any chapel social or village eisteddfod now for fear that Mrs Griffin will be there. I’d rather do all the nursing myself than leave her to that woman.’

  ‘You’re far too small and delicate,’ Dr Andrews said. ‘Miss Rees will have to be lifted and turned two or three times a day and she’s a fair weight. All the same I’m glad you told me about the animosity between her and Nurse Griffin, that would never do. I’ll have to find someone else in Cardigan. I know the deputy matron of the women’s hospital there and she’s sure to be able to suggest someone suitable, someone she’s trained. And perhaps I ought to go now, there’s no time to lose.’

  ‘What about your dinner?’ Catrin asked, but he’d already disappeared.

  They had to have their meal without him, but Catrin assured them that it was perfectly normal for her husband to miss at least one meal every day.

  ‘Well, doctors don’t do too much hard manual work, do they? Their work is very important, I know that, but it’s not hot sweaty work like men on the farm do. Or take the horses, now. Nobody would ask a good working mare to miss her meal. It’s like the petrol for a car, you’ve got to keep them going.’

  ‘I have to miss supper very often when Lowri puts me to bed early. And I’m busy all day long.’

  Their chatter floated over Lowri’s head, she was far too worried to listen.

  At least Graham’s errand proved worthwhile. The deputy matron had been able to recommend a competent and conscientious nurse who had recently finished her previous job and could start the following morning. ‘Another bed to be made up,’ Catrin grumbled, ‘all the same it will be good to have an extra pair of hands.’

  ‘I don’t think she’ll be prepared to do any housework,’ Graham warned.

  ‘No, I’ve noticed that it’s only wives who have to turn their hands to anything and everything.’

  When Tom arrived home the next day, he managed, with the help of one of his crutches and some gentle pushing from his father, to negotiate the stairs to see Nano and when he spoke to her, she regained consciousness and smiled at him. Everyone felt jubilant though it was only a small step forward.

  ‘This will do me a lot of good,’ Tom said later. ‘I’m not the invalid now, and I’m feeling much better for it. I was feeling very sorry for myself, coming home like this, but now I realise that there are much more important things. I’m out of the hell of France, I’m thankful to be alive and happy to be home. I’m going to be all right. You shall see.’

  Catrin kissed him and Lowri fetched him some tiny new potatoes with butter and buttermilk, which had always been his favourite snack.

  ‘You’ve lost a leg, I hear,’ Mari Elen said, like one struggling to make polite conversation. ‘Can I look up your trouser leg?’

  ‘You may. But I’m afraid there isn’t much to see except for bandages. You may like to see it when the district nurse comes to change the dressings.’

  ‘I would, thank you. I think I’m going to like you though you’re a bit old for a brother. I’d prefer a baby brother but all the same I like your face.’

  ‘And I like yours. I hope we’ll be great friends. Shall we shake hands? Or kiss, perhaps?’

  ‘Not at the moment. I don’t know you well enough yet. But in a day or two I may like to kiss you.’

  ‘I look forward to that.’

  ‘My goodness, she’s a bright little thing,’ Tom said later that evening when she’d been carried off to bed. ‘I thought of her as a baby still.’

  ‘She was three a few months ago, a schoolgirl now, and already quite a character in the area. You and I will soon be known as her brother and sister I’ve no doubt.’

  ‘And when is your baby due? I only have to turn my back on you for five minutes and this is what happens. Mother would have been thrilled though, wouldn’t she, to be a mamgu. I can see her so vividly as she was when I first remember her, a regal figure in a splendid cream high-necked dress with lace frills on the bosom, women had such important bosoms in those days – what’s happened to them – and her gold watch on a long gold chain. Do you know Catrin, I really felt her presence at my side when I was first wounded and hovering between life and death. Don’t mention it to anyone, or they’ll think I’m touched in the head. All the same, I felt she was near me, I really did.’

  ‘Tom dear, I wish we’d been closer as children. We were always quarrelling weren’t we? Perhaps we’ll find ways of being close now. I feel it was you who brought me the greatest joy of my life, my love for Edward. Even now that he’s been dead for over three years, I still feel his love surrounding me. Perhaps it’s not so far from the way you feel about mother’s presence.’

  ‘The living and the dead are very close, I’ve realised that. While I was in hospital, hot and sweaty with very little pain relief, I used to go over and over the Reverend Isaacs’ sermons. Yet at the time, I hardly knew I was listening to them. He was a great pacifist of course, and I wish I’d paid more attention to his words. I found nothing worth fighting for, the glory of war is a fabrication: there is no glory. There certainly is sacrifice and unbelievable bravery amongst the common soldiers but the high-ranking officers send men over the top every morning with absolute
ly no pity. Up those scaling ladders and they’re shot as soon as their heads appear over the parapet. I wouldn’t send a horse into those battlefields and they are ready to send hundreds of young men to their almost certain death. Of course it was my duty to blow the whistle, but it was always, always against my better judgement. I do hope no one ever tells me that I was wounded in a great cause or I shall refute it. I lost my leg in a stupid battle for a few hundred yards of territory of no earthly use to anyone.

  ‘Some of those poor Welsh and Welsh-speaking country lads I met out there were totally bewildered and shell-shocked and yet if they turned their back on the heavy bombardment in front of them they were shot as traitors. I’m ashamed of volunteering for active service. I wouldn’t feel so badly about it if I’d been conscripted as men are now. But no, I went out of some feeling of comradeship I suppose, with all those other fools who were enlisting. I was never a true patriot like Edward. Well, I only hope he was killed before finding out what a sham it all was, all for material gain, and how useless his sacrifice was. Don’t tell Father how I feel, he’d despise me more than ever.’

  ‘He doesn’t despise you. I saw him in tears the night you left for France though I never saw him break down for Mother’s death or Miriam’s. He’s had a lot to deal with, poor man, but I think he’s achieved some sort of peace now with dear Lowri. What a treasure she is, though she still refers to him as Mr Ifans and I am often Miss Catrin however many times I correct her. Christ promised that the meek should inherit the earth, didn’t he, though she’s only inherited Father and that little madam, Mari Elen. I was cruel to her mother, Tom, did you ever hear about that? Yes, I met Miriam once in the chemist’s in town and I followed her out and gave her such a mouthful. It’s an episode that still grieves me, though I suppose she had much worse to put up with, even her aunt turned against her, I heard. And yet she was once a highly respected school teacher. Her funeral was a very quiet almost secret affair of course, but the very first village meeting afterwards was really all about her, one person after another wanting to tell everyone how much she did for them; her pupils thought the world of her. Teachers in our elementary schools are usually not much brighter than the pupils they try to teach, but she was very highly regarded. And she is still talked about, so Teifi Griffiths, a former pupil who became a journalist on The Tivyside, said in her obituary. She certainly wasn’t an ordinary woman and I misjudged her.’

  ‘Of course you did. You were only conscious that she had broken up our family. I felt quite as strongly about it as you did.’

  ‘And at that time, I knew nothing of the power of love…. Well, aren’t we having an elevated conversation? Let me bring it down to earth and ask you whether you have a sweetheart. Miss Rees seems to think you have. I must confess I knew nothing of it, which shows how very distant we always were.’

  ‘I still cherish the memory of a very charming girl I met before I was sent abroad. But I only mentioned her to Nano because she seemed to need something to think about in those dark days when Mother was dying. I hear from her from time to time, and perhaps a bit oftener, but I won’t expect to hear from her again after I tell her my news.’

  ‘Tom! What a very poor opinion you have of women. I would have gladly given my life to looking after a wounded Edward if only I’d had that chance. Anyway, you must invite her to visit us here. She may be very glad of a few peaceful days in the country and some good country fare. Things are terrible in London, it seems. I look forward to meeting her. Though Nano may not be with us to toil and cook for quite some time, Lowri and I will do our best to make her feel at home. We’ve both been trained by Nano, you know, so I’m sure we’ll manage excellently between us. And Lowri says Maud and Lottie are good girls too. What do you say?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I don’t think things have gone as far as that. But I’ll think about it.’

  ‘And don’t take too long about it or someone else will get there before you. Oh, I can hear Graham’s motor car in the yard now. I wonder why he’s so late?’

  Catrin went out to the porch to meet her husband.

  In the quiet days that followed, Catrin heavy with child, she and Tom found a friendship that had always been denied to them as children.

  ‘I was always jealous of you,’ Tom confessed. ‘You were Father’s favourite and I couldn’t put up with that. I knew I was Mother’s favourite but that never meant so much to me. I worshipped Father and could hardly bear it when he left us. It’s only now that I can see him as an ordinary man with the usual human frailties. It’s a strange thing Catrin, but I had to go to France before really appreciating my own family and my own country. I love Wales. Not only her peaceful beauty but all her ordinary, poor people. I mean, Davy Prosser, for instance, who works every day, sometimes until very late at night out of some feeling of loyalty to our family. What have we ever done to deserve such loyalty? We pay him a pittance, the amount a senior farm labourer is always paid, I suppose, and he seems ready to give us his entire life in return. Can you imagine Prosser being spiteful or mean to any one of us? No, he always gives us his best and I intend to put his wages up in the autumn and every autumn from now on. I’m determined to make the farm pay, not to make money for myself for improvements to the house and land and so on, but so that I can be a decent employer, trying to pay back the men for their labour. I want to wipe out the memory of Mother’s grandfather, old Thomas Morgan, who cheated and stole from the little men, lending them money and snaffling their smallholdings when they couldn’t repay the loans. Pray God, I have none of his blood in me. How I wish I were able-bodied so that I could get up at six every morning and get started on the work. But there, if I were fit I’d still be in that hell hole in France among the rats and the rotting corpses.

  ‘And now,’ he continued, ‘I must get myself up those dratted stairs that seem to be so much steeper than they used to be, to sit with Nano for a while. She’s not very cheerful, I’m afraid. She realises now that she’s had a stroke and keeps begging me to shoot her. But I tell her that Dr Andrews assures me I can still get some work out of her sooner or later, so I’m giving her a few weeks to recover. I’ve never been into her bedroom before. It was always forbidden territory, wasn’t it? She has every picture we ever painted on her walls and all the poems we used to be persuaded to write her for Christmas every year, all highly embarrassing. She does look better today though, her face isn’t as lop-sided as it was. I wish that letter from the war office hadn’t given her such a fright, ‘wounded’ would have been quite bad enough.’

  ‘I’ll come up with you,’ Catrin said. ‘Then she can tell me once again how to prepare for my labour. She wants me to drink raspberry leaf tea every morning and to eat hard-boiled eggs for at least one meal every day. It’s something those famous physicans of Myddfai used to recommend in the last century. She’s told me already that I’m carrying a lusty boy who’ll weigh ten pounds and look exactly like you.’

  ‘But with two legs, I hope,’ Tom said as they went slowly upstairs.

  They found that Nano wasn’t fond of her new nurse, though she conceded that she wasn’t as rough as Mrs Griffin. ‘But she grunts and snores all night,’ she told them. ‘How is that helping to cure me? What wages are you proposing to give her? She eats like a horse and wipes her mouth on my clean towels. I can’t wait to dismiss her.’

  ‘You shall dismiss her as soon as you’re able to sit up and eat a good meal. That shouldn’t take you too long. You’ve always been strong.’

  ‘How is Lowri managing in the kitchen? Tell her that Lottie is to prepare all the vegetables and do all the washing up. Don’t let her spoil Lottie now that I’ve managed to train her. She is to clean out the range at six in the morning and scrub the kitchen floor and the dairy. It’s only what Lowri herself had to do when she was fourteen and it didn’t do her any harm. Lottie is slow but she knows her jobs, getting the eggs and churning the butter and laying the table for dinner when she’s changed her dress.’

  She stop
ped talking for a while and lay breathing heavily, but was soon ready to start again. Her words were not as rushed as usual and her speech was a little slurred. ‘Don’t let her become slovenly; she’s got to be watched, has Lottie. And remember Mrs Ifans, God rest her soul, couldn’t put up with a slovenly servant waiting at table. “Get her to wash her face and pin up her hair, Nano,” she’d tell me. “Buy her some scented soap and a good strong comb and compliment her when she’s made an effort.” I always did. “And see that she mends any tear in her dress and buys good quality stockings even if they cost a few pennies more. Give her an extra sixpence when she buys something useful instead of spending her wages on rubbish from the tinker.” ’

  Another pause, longer this time, while she gathered what strength she could still muster. ‘“Teach her your ways, Nano,” she used to say, God bless her sweet soul. Maudie is more dependable, being a bit older. You can go down now, you two. There’s no need for you to spend any more time with a stupid old woman who should have had the decency to make a tidy job of dying instead of landing up like this, a useless weight on the bed and costing good money to feed and nurse.’

  An even longer pause, but when Catrin tried to make an excuse for leaving, she refused to let go her hand. ‘Remember, both of you, I’ve got my best linen nightdress wrapped up in that top drawer for a shroud and I’m leaving all my good dresses and my shoes to my cousin Mary Ann Hopkins in Tregaron, my real pearl necklace to you, Miss Catrin, and my sapphire brooch with seed pearls to Mister Tom’s wife and my three or four books to Mrs Prosser who’s a bit of a bookworm as I was whenever I got the time, which I never did. Go down now please. You’re tiring me with all this chatter.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it be dreadful if Lottie or Maudie left now that they haven’t got Nano to keep an eye on them and order them about. Do you think an extra sixpence a week would keep them happy Tom? What Father used to do was try to hire a really handsome young lad at Michaelmas for the young maids to fall in love with. We’ll have to do that. Tom, let’s be real friends from now on. You don’t have to look after me now, do you? I’m a respectable married woman. You used to be so bossy, so frightened that I’d turn out badly.’